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There is a period in every girls life when she spends a fair amount of time, hers, her friend’s, her sister’s….the list goes on, crushing on a certain someone. Usually this period is a brief few years in high school, and the object of affection is generally unaware of the aching, groaning, melodrama surrounding his existence.

I’m told this tendency to ruminate about a person with whom no real relationship has been started ends as one graduates to adulthood. I really hope this is true, and that graduation will come soon, because my love-life is currently strewn with a whole lot of puppy love and no Donny Osmond (believe it or not, he was cute once and one of my own mother’s crushes back in the day).

I’m hoping that the WINE- in capitals as there is both a large quantity being downed and the quality is deserving of enthusiasm, especially at this stage in the drinking, will take my mind off this despondent train of thought. Something I’m dwelling on as I watch Olivia and Lillian putting the icing on their ‘Cake theory’ on the floor of Olivia’s apartment, this Friday night.

My friends are much more talkative than I am at the best of times, part of the reason I love them-it takes a load off my bent and anxious shoulders-and their animated discussion has given me time to think.

For those of you who don’t know, The Cake Theory is an extended metaphor, many of which will be written about in the coming months by the three of us, masters of non-literal description.

Another of our famous theories was one developed oh, so many years ago in a dorm room at our undergraduate hall. Like all good theories of ours, The Cake Theory, The Pete Effect etc. it requires a name. In this case the Closet Theory, or as it’s more often referred to amongst our friend group, simply ‘Being in Someone’s Closet’.

Of course there is another meaning for being in the closet which may cause some confusion at first, as being in a particular person’s closet is not sexuality specific in this case. It simply refers to the situation in which you have a secret (in your mind at least) crush, hang-up or infatuation.

My own personal example at this time is ‘The Reg’. Short for registrar, he is one of the medical staff on my team in the hospital I’m training at currently. A Tall, Dark and Handsome type who despite being a few too many years my senior has been occupying my thoughts, and dreams (seriously…what is that about subconscious!?) of late.

This theory states that the person upon whom you are crushing at a point in time (see above), is the owner of the closet in question (which sits in their bedroom of course). You are in the closet when the crush itself remains secret (in the warm, dusty dark, maybe sharing with an unknown number of girls/guys in a similar emotional state) but you are free at your own risk, to leap out of the closet and confront the person with your feelings (some people, perhaps being claustrophobic, do this almost immediately and so may not understand the closet’s importance).

If, like me, you are generally of an introverted nature and find the idea of confronting this person more terrifying than watching The Exorcist alone at midnight, there is also the option of slowly, softly (catchy monkey) creaking open the door and waving a hand about to get the person’s attention with smaller risk to self, and no possibility of jumping out in the presence of other judgemental individuals.

The theory was at one point expanded to include several other pieces of bedroom furniture- The Desk Chair (Friend’s Box), The Desk (study buddy), The Bed (Yuss!!), but to tell the truth, The Closet is the only allegory that has stood the test of time. I think this may be something to do with the, maybe unacknowledged, power that the humble crush still has over us kidults, with all its pain, embarrassment, secret glee and satisfaction.

Samantha’s Dad (from the true 80s chick flick Sixteen Candles) had it right ‘That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call ’em something else’.

We may never really grow out of having crushes after all. The best a girl can do is just learn to deal with them in more productive ways (you can make that dirty if you want to).

It is also a fact, that wine with friends is a proven antidote for a blue frame of mind (independent of cause, evidence based and peer-reviewed, I swear!).

-Addison

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