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Just a warning, this entire entry is going to be about penises. Or rather, the obsession men have over the size of their cocks.

Men seem to be obsessed over the size of their penises. When I was having sex with The Kid, he  kept referring to his “cock” as being “big” or “too big”, and he is far from the only guy I’ve known do such things. Every man I’ve been with seems to either be convinced that he possesses some sort of massive member worthy of a greek god (sometimes justified, sometimes not so much), or they worry endlessly about their penis being too small or somehow lacking (again sometimes justified, sometimes not). I’ve only had sex with one guy who didn’t seem to care that much about the size of his penis, but the same guy used to enjoy doing post sex penis dances (don’t ask, I can’t explain. Basically he was just very comfortable with his own penis. It was a good thing, the dances made me laugh).  What’s more, the actual size of a guy’s penis rarely reflects how big he himself perceives it to be. I’ve known guys to be convinced that they are massive, who were really just decently average. I’ve also known guys to be convinced they were small, when they were on the larger size of average. Despite all this boasting and worrying, I can’t help thinking that all penises are about the same size.

Sure there are slight variations in length and diameter between individuals, but functionally every penis ends up feeling about the same. Ok so there was one guy who was massive; he was 6’5 and his penis was a fucking anaconda; it didn’t make me feel that great, it made me feel like I was being hit with a battering ram. Honestly, I felt injured, it hurt to walk for two days. The one with the second smallest penis was probably the best sex I’ve ever had. So in my opinion. It’s what you do with it, not how big it is. Personally I’ve never cared less about the size of a man’s penis*

So the reason I’m all on about penises (I wasn’t just randomly thinking about them. Although, that also could of been possible). Was that someone (a male), just posted this article on his facebook page: Science says size does matter. Basically it seems that some scientists got girls to look at men with their dicks out (flaccid), and rate how attractive they were. Then they decided that the girls found men with bigger cocks more attractive. This then resulted in some journalists issuing a press release. Which then lead to a group of males on facebook claiming to have known that size mattered all along.

Ok I actually agree with the science. It’s obvious that evolutionarily women preferred and selected for larger penises, or we never would of ended up with a species with genitalia larger than their biological role requires. Ie penises don’t need to be large to fertilize a woman’s eggs, so the size must of come from a positive selection on larger penises due to attraction. In the same way that females don’t need over-sized mammary glands to produce milk and feed their young, so obviously the large fatty deposits around our mammary glands (forming our breasts) have been positively selected for by males. But this science is about the evolution of a male human trait (that of having a large penis), and has very little to do with modern selection pressures or how the size of your cock reflects your performance in bed.

The study tested the attractiveness of the size of the flaccid penis. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I saw a flaccid penis, well before deciding to have sex with someone (normally when you see a flaccid penis it’s right after sex, when I’m turning into a ferocious cuddle monster. Or when you have been with a guy far too long to care). Normally by the time the pants come off, things are up and ready to go. Again they mention that the size of the flaccid penis may of matter in our evolutionary history, back in the days before we insisted on wearing trousers. So, it’s not particularly relevent today.

My conclusion**, when it comes to sex, size still doesn’t matter. If you pull down your pants to reveal a penis the size of our ancient ancestors (Ie not the long well endowed size of a modern human males), then sure size might matter. But chances are if you are a modern male human, centuries of natural selection have probably already perfected the size of your penis enough to please any women you end up in bed with. Relax, and let your little friend see to his job. Having sex with a guy while he talks about his own penis (positively or negatively) is a massive turn off; I’m more self-centered I want the pillow talk to me concerning my own sexiness, not the length of his cock.  I always make a point of telling a guy how big and sexy he is because I know he will get a kick out of it. But do we have to dwell on it?

I hope I don’t have to see any more of my male friends spouting this study as evidence that size does matter after all. Furthermore, I really hope I never sleep with a guy who uses this study to justify his boasting and/or worrying.

Also, did anyone notice the scientist’s name was Brian? A man’s name. Only a man would care enough to conduct a study on penis sizes. Because if you’re a women, you’re probably in the process of conducting your own private study, and reaching the conclusion that size doesn’t matter!

Here are a few more points I’d like to make about Penises before finishing this entry (you know just while I’m on the topic).

  1. I haven’t seen that many penises. So what would I know anyway.
  2.  In my experience I’m much more worried about a guy’s scrotum and foreskin, than I am about the size of their penis. Saggy scrotum shudder.
  3. Things that do concern me about penises: when they are an odd shade of purple, when they smell/ are unclean.
  4. The largest penis I’ve ever seen belonged to Sir Ian Mckellan. You mights be wondering how I’ve seen Sir Ian’s penis. Well I was watched a performance of King Lear by the Royal Shakespeare company, the version in which Sir Ian McKellan drops his trousers. A review in the Guardian (So Ian McKellan drops his trousers to play King Lear. That sums up the RSC’s whole approach) described his genitalia as being “impressive”.
  5. Do penises (flaccid) keep growing with age? The same way that noses or ears do? I’ve always just imagined that they do.


Disclaimer: The views in this entry are mine. I know that size doesn’t matter to me, and that I can reach vaginal orgasms with a range of penis sizes. However, I can’t actually speak for all women.

*The only time to worry about size is when working out which condoms to buy. Men if you turn up with X-large condoms and they aren’t a snug fit, you will end up looking silly (and could potentially knock a girl up for the sake of your ego).

**I’m so glad I’m putting my years of scientific study to good use.

**Update on The Kid: So last night I went back for seconds. Or rather I should say he came back for seconds. I didn’t do any of the chasing (welll I might have text him, but he was the one who came running). It was all going great, till he decides to place a love bite on my neck. I now have a massive great fuck-off hickey on my neck, thanks Kid. I didn’t think that people gave each other hickeys after they left high school (9 months clearly isn’t long enough to break the habit).  Oh, and he still insisted on asking me if “I liked how big his cock was?” repeatedly during sex; I choosing to just make affirmative noises and hope that he’d stop asking so I could get into the moment. What’s more after we finished he found my stash of pringles helped himself and consumed them all in my bed. I guess these are just the things that happen when you have sex with a teenage boy. **