So, you might have read my post from a few days ago, when I was feeling particularly self-doubt-ful. While I haven’t suddenly discovered a wealth of inner self-belief that I didn’t know was there before, I have managed to settle down a bit, and it’s all because I have what I would like to call The Best Friends in the World (capitals both intentional and necessary).
Anyway, I’ve been feeling rather incapable lately – completely swamped by the weight of expectation that I have placed on myself and that others seem to think isn’t too much of an issue (people thinking that you’re “sure to win” things that you don’t think you’re “sure to win” at all doesn’t make you feel encouraged, it makes you feel like you are running headlong in to disappointing them). Add to that a horrible combination of events – Addison (and a range of other friends), who would usually talk me out of my self-destructive spiral, are all either out of town, working or studying; a range of very long-term experiments failed in a way that can only be described as spectacular (except not in it’s usual, positive, incarnation) and, to be honest, I missed my mum. (There are days when all you want is a huge hug from your mum and for her to tell you that everything will be fine. I’ve not lived with mine in YEARS, but I still get this feeling sometimes. Usually when I’m sick or extraordinarily sad. I doubt it will ever go away.) Put mildly, I was in a pretty bad place. And to put that in a little bit of context: I am not the type of girl that has “bad places” or “bad times” – I am very much a “get on with it” type of person, a “dust-it-off, toughen-up” kind of person. Back me up here, Lil.
Then, like turning on to the home stretch when you’re running one of those God-awful 7 km fun-run things (they are the furtherest thing from fun, but they are for a good cause. Usually. Some appropriately heart-wrenching charity. Plus you usually get a free shirt that you can wear to the gym for a while afterwards), I turned the corner away from “Miserable-Liv” to “Still-nervous-but-happier-Liv”. The reason? My amazing, incredible, world-changing friends.
Yesterday, I received a call to let me know that I had won an award that I wasn’t overly invested in – it certainly wasn’t at the top of my list of stress-inducing waiting-games (yes, there is a whole list). That’s not to say that I wasn’t pleased to win – I definitely was, it’s a good opportunity if everything else falls through and it does help with the “I can do this” mentality that I’m trying to cultivate. What did make me feel wonderful though, was coming downstairs after a long and largely fruitless day at work to find my friends; my amazing, incredible friends; waiting with hugs, wine, flowers and congratulations.
They may not have convinced me that my biggest dream is going to come true, but they have convinced me that they are completely behind me and completely rooting for me, win or lose. They’ve shown me that I’m loved.
And, at the risk of sounding hopelessly mushy, love is all you need.