Tags

, , , , ,

“I’ve never been pregnant before” was the only though I had as I stared down at the positive pregnancy test in my hand. I thought it in the same kind of way I would think about never having tried hazelnut flavoured yogurt. When I eventually found the courage to speak I didn’t tell him “I’m pregnant”, or more appropriately breakdown in tears and beat my fists on the floor, I looked up and said “that’s weird. I’ve never been pregnant before”. It’s funny how peeing on a stick can so drastically change your perspective on reality.

I’d suspected for a few weeks that I might be pregnant. My period was already three weeks late, I’d been hoping it’d eventually turn up like that red shoe I’d lost under the bed. I knew how it had happened; a month and two weeks ago the condom broke and I took the morning after pill. The morning after pill has a higher failure rate than other contraceptives, so it all added up. Then there were the other symptoms: constantly needing the bathroom, nausea, tiredness, bloating, weight gain, an intense craving to eat fresh fruit, suddenly fantastic boobs that hadn’t been so fantastic a month before.

The thing that surprised me most was how calmly I accepted it. I’m generally good at creating drama from the smallest things (especially in relationships). I think this time I knew what my courses of action were and I just stayed calm. Everyone women facing an unexpected pregnancy has two choices: keep it or don’t keep it. I immediately decided that I was going to abort it. It hadn’t been planned or expected, and I’m not in a financial position to raise a child right now. Then there was the fact that I had drunk really heavily in the last month and wondered what that had done to the embryo, AND I was on anti-marlia medications you are not suppose to take while pregnant. I informed the teacher (It was his) that I wanted to abort it. He told me he personally didn’t like the idea of abortions and that if I wanted he’d keep the baby and raise it with (or without) me. However, he then conceded that ultimately it was my body and that the decision was mine whatever I wanted and thought was best. He also promised to be there for me whatever choice I made. Wow I got lucky with a supportive man! He really doesn’t know how much his prochoice attitude and ability to explain his personal feelings about abortion meant to me (not all men do so well).

It was funny what knowing I was pregnant was doing to me. Before I knew it I was convince that it was a boy and he’d like playing casual football like his dad. Also not sure if I mentioned that the teacher is Asian and I’m white, so there were some thoughts going around about what our mixed raced baby would look it. But this thing was the size of a pea. Also you know what? That finger nail scene from Juno, it really gets into your head. I think my thoughts about my unborn child (fetus) were what frightened me most, was I getting emotionally attached to a pea? I’m not a religious person but it was this thought that made me want to pray for help. How was I going to feel about aborting something I was imagining being born.

I booked an consultation for my abortion. As I approached 9 weeks I noticed one evening that I was bleeding (lightly). My pregnancy had spontaneously aborted. That was that, I bleed for ten days, and then it was over. I took another home pregnancy test and it was negative. I told the teacher what happened, and he said it was for the best as we were not financially able to look after a child and I hadn’t had to go through an abortion.

People say you are suppose to mourn when you have a miscarriage. Hold a small  private memorial service with your partner. I knew I was pregnant for less than a week.  I hadn’t been planning or hoping for a baby. I can only try to understand the distress other expectant mothers feel All their hope tied in their pregnancy dashed as fast as it arrived.

So everything is back to normal now. I’m only left with a weird feeling that I was pregnant for a short 8-9 weeks.

I’m not sure if I consider myself lucky or unlucky. The condom broke (well that wasn’t really down to luck more size of certain things and logistics), the morning after pill failed (failure rate doesn’t seem to be well known but seems to be up to 50%, but most people report around 75%), and I miscarried (20% of pregnancies spontaneously abort in the first 12 weeks). Guess I’m just good with the improbable.

I’m just relieved things are back to normal.

– Lillian

P.S I’m currently off sex because I’ve suddenly realized the consequences (I’m sure I’ll be back with better contraceptive options soon).

Also I’m now dating the teacher exclusively. I met him mum and everything, and his reaction to my pregnancy scare really affirmed he is a good guy. Also I really am curious about our mixed kids.

Advertisements